My depression is called the Four Seasons Resort.
A room for one? Yes.
Anxiety is my weighted blanket,
tear stained pillows tell how the night went.
My body held captive by the mattress,
No strength to to sit up.
The sun rose,
yet there I still wept.
Laying there, sinking.
Tip of my head to the tip of my toes,
feeling like I ran a marathon,
yet i haven’t moved a bone.
Darkness begins to fall yet again,
another day gone.
I’m gonna awake and stretch my spine.
Someday, i’ll overcome this battle of mine.
This Saturday Night begins, with me alone. Wine bottle in hand, halfway under the hot water of my tub. Half bent knees with my feet dancing around the faucet, candle light flickering and blues playing. Moody. The music brings me back, the bottle pressed upon my lips, my eyes staring into the walls of the tub. This is my self care. Diving deep into my soul- remembering and envisioning. Facing the stuff that scares me, pushes me, and makes me completely and utterly vulnerable. This is where my closure comes and my curiosity for the future begins. This Saturday night, I relived all my memories with each one of their souls, So it never was really alone.
We recently had a speaker at my church & he said something that really spoke volumes. He was talking about the presence you bring when you step into a room- Are you a peacemaker who brings security or a peacetaker who creates chaos?
Reflecting on that question, it brings about self awareness & reflection. Being raised in a dysfunctional family (both sides) you learn that dysfunction thrives on chaos. And when the chaos has moments of quietness, its only time before the next thing happens or you literally become bored of peace.
That sounds crazy right? Bored of peace?! It’s true. It’s true because you have to teach yourself if you’ve grown up in dysfunction how to function with security, calmness, and normalcy.
Now, I have learned to love and accept my loved ones in a way that thrives off being a security for them. An ear to listen, a silent car ride, and a paid compliment in their victories. That has brought my self to be my own peacemaker.
So I ask, what’s your room your walking into? Maybe it’s that step into your boss’s office about that promotion, that long hospital hallway to announce the birth of your child, or even your bed that you can’t seem to get out of because your depression is in full swing.
I promise you- we all will have moments of strength and moments of weakness in this area.
Are we their peacemaker or peacetaker?
Are we our own peacemaker or peacetaker?
The beauty is- we have the opportunity to grow & choose to be that peacemaker.
I’m challenging myself to ask who am I before I walk into any scenario.